By Alan Berson
Common Building Relationships Challenge:
Most of us, despite our best intentions, tend not to actually be ‘open’ to the needs and desires of others. We listen, but rarely with the willingness to change our minds. Too often we are formulating our response rather than truly listening. In today’s competitive world, we also tend to fight to prove ‘who is right’ rather than to discover ‘what is right.’ Pressured by time, we listen only enough to try to get a ‘hook’ to convince others that we are right, so we can ‘stay-on-track.’
The Solution:
Start by being truly curious and let curiosity guide your actions instead of time pressure. When I ask leaders what the word ‘open’ means, they usually get the element of listening correctly, sometimes they also get the element of hearing correctly. What is virtually always missed is recognizing the filter many have that tells us that someone else must prove us wrong because we are innately right (more experienced, older, wiser, etc.).
Sorry, but that displays the management trait of a being a specialist. An incredible leader trained me years ago to listen in a way to be willing to change my mind – to seek out new information in every conversation and to reward people for bringing their insights to the team. Remember, no-one has the corner on great ideas and long term success lies in promoting creativity and innovation.
The Thought Process:
We tend to listen and think of a response at the same time. Thus we start our rebuttal as soon as the other person stops talking, rather than being interested enough in what we hear to ask for more information. This creates two relationship problems: first, the other person does not feel heard; and second, we miss out on obtaining critical information and become less likely to hear their great suggestions and offer praise. Next, most of us got invested early in our career, when we were independent contributors, in being able to get the job done by ourselves without needing others. We took pride in what we accomplished. Yet, as a manager, we must take pride in what others accomplish and, as a leader, the goal is to take pride in what can be accomplished more effectively, creatively and on time than ever before.
Alan Berson is an author, keynote speaker, executive coach, Learning Director at Wharton Executive Education and the CEO of Leadership Conversation LLC based in Potomac, MD. His recent book, LEADERSHIP CONVERSATIONS: Challenging High-Potential Managers to Become Great Leaders, was released by Jossey-Bass in March of this year and was named as one of the top 10 management/leadership books by Amazon.com. An extensive review can be found at Knowledge@Wharton.
